Baby Blues

*Disclaimer: I admit to being a fair-weather blogger. I am not consistent. I blog when I feel like it and when I happen to have time (HA!). ---Just wanted to throw that out there!

Grayson is now 3 1/2 months old! Can you believe it? Here are a couple pictures of him so you can take in all the cuteness...if you can handle it! :)

He is SO wonderfully happy, sweet, and adorable!

Being a mom is the most amazing thing ever! I love, love, LOVE it! But I would be remiss if I didn't admit that I didn't feel that way from the start. You may have heard of the Baby Blues? Well, I'm here to tell you that they are real, my friend.

The first few weeks of Grayson's life were rough. I had him at 10:30 PM, was not moved to my postpartum room until around 3 AM, and did not finally go to sleep until close to 5 AM. Then was woken up around 6 AM for a round of medicine, upon which Grayson woke up to eat, my breakfast was soon delivered, and then it was suddenly visiting hours. And that next day we had visitors (sometimes a whole room full!) every single minute of the day. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to have the support and see so many exciting and loving faces, but I had just done the most exhausting act of my life and had not been able to really sleep since! I didn't get to sleep until close to 2 AM the following day!! Also, I wish someone had told me how normal it was for a newborn to want to be held and snuggled constantly. Grayson would wake up crying, I would get into the chair to feed him (meanwhile trying my hardest to not doze off...it was so hard!), he would quickly fall asleep, I would lay him back down, before I was settled back into bed he would cry again. Now I know that he just wanted to be close to me. But I knew the hospital would frown upon bed sharing, so I tried to get him to sleep on his own. Meaning, I got no sleep. Like, at all.

So, let's recap--I'm completely exhausted, I'm sleep deprived, I have a thousand visitors (many who continued to crowd into my house for the entire weekend that followed. Talk about exhausting! We will be doing things differently for the next one!), and I should also add that I'm in pain from my stitches, hemmoroids, and continued cramping as my uterus is shrinking back to size. I'm dealing with excessive bleeding (I had no idea it would be like that!) and my hormones are zooming in all kinds of directions like the worst PMS you can imagine.

And much of this continued for the first 2-2.5 weeks. Looking back, it seems crazy that I wouldn't expect to be an emotional mess. But at the time, I just felt guilty that I wasn't overwhelmed with the joy of motherhood. I cried every.single.day. Over every.little.thing.

+I missed being pregnant (never thought that would happen!). I would rub my tummy out of habit and cry because it felt so empty. I would feel something and think it was a kick, and then remember that those little feelings were over.

+I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for this tiny human. I exclusively breastfeed and he was nursing constantly. Each feeding would last around 30 minutes, and he would eat every 1-2 hours. Meaning, I would sometimes only get a half hour break between feedings. My nipples hurt, I was tired, and every time he cried to eat more I would think something else had to be wrong. He can't possibly be hungry AGAIN! He must not be getting enough milk! Or he is sick! I must be doing something wrong! I would cry each time I picked him up to feed him again. (by the way, I have since learned that there was nothing wrong and his behavior was totally normal. Hopefully I'll remember that for the next one!)

+I missed going to work. I was jealous and bitter that Scott got to return to a semi-normal life again. He would come home and tell me about his day, and I would try not to resent him or the sweet, innocent, tiny human that was occupying all my time.

+I began to hate the four walls of every room of my house. I was not used to being confined to my home, but I was too nervous to leave it. And I missed seeing other grown ups.

+I missed my usual routines with Scott. I missed our mornings together doing Bible study, our commute to and from work, and especially our evenings laying together watching TV and eating ice cream. My time with him was strained, and I was annoyed that I was the only one who could really care for Grayson (I'm the keeper of the milk!).

+And overall I would feel guilty about every negative thought. I would look at Grayson and feel so much love, and would feel awful that I also resented him a bit. I would cry and apologize to him. I would rock him and nurse him and tell him how very sorry I was. I would tell him that I love him with every fiber of my being, even when I'm not very good at showing it.

9 weeks of leave seemed like an eternity, expanding before me in sleepless nights and cracked nipples.

I write all this because this is reality. Not for everyone, but for many. But no one seems to talk about it. I felt like a terrible mother. I thought I was broken somehow. But I found that the more I opened up about it, the more I discovered that almost everyone I know went through a very similar thing after their first baby. I want to write this so I don't forget and so that someone might read it and relate. Or maybe someone will read it and think back on it later and feel comforted that they are not bad moms.

I will say that all this is over. Not that there aren't hard times, and not that I never cry anymore (even over silly things!), but it's all overshadowed by how much joy I have in being a mom. I absolutely love it! If you are going through this, just remember that it's normal and it gets better.  Your hormones will level out, you will get more sleep (and adjust to the limited sleep you get), and you will develop a new routine and just get used to it all. The challenges fade and the love and joy grows. :)

Man, I love my little boy! 

~Christy~