Something Big

Lately I have had this persistent feeling that I am, or should be, on the verge of something big. My time with The Lord has been consistently coming back to this point. How am I caring for the world? For the broken and the lost? For my fellow believers? For those who are struggling or hurting and for those who are in the throes of new, exciting, yet overwhelming territories? Moreover, what am I doing that's really a sacrifice? We're called to die to ourselves. To daily pick up our cross and follow Jesus. I want to make big sacrifices to make big differences in the name of Jesus. And not for selfish reasons. I don't want to do it just to say, "Look at me! I'm so good! So kind! So self-sacrificing!" I want to do it because I'm ACHING to do it! But what? What does that look like?

Each time I pray about this and spend time really meditating over what God would have for my life and how I can be a better servant to Him, I feel myself being pulled in two directions. And try as I might, I just can't discern which voice I should be listening to!

On the one hand, I feel convicted about my comfy life. I think about those who have so much less, and I want to help them! I want to give up my luxuries to serve someone else. I really do. But I also want to provide for my family and do what is best for them. How can I put my son in a hard situation to help care for someone else's son? (Like, if we moved to another country and we were therefore at risk of new diseases and other dangers) But then again, what is the message I want to send to my son? That our comfort is to be put above all else? Or should I model sacrifice to him from the start? Not by neglecting him, of course, but by recognizing the differences between true needs and mere conveniences. I think on all this and I just feel like what I'm doing now is not enough. I feel like I should be doing something more. Something bigger. Something more sacrificial. We actually have thought about the idea of moving to a Spanish speaking country. I have no idea what that would look like or what we would do or where exactly we would go, but it's this interesting idea that we just keep coming back to.

On the other hand, I think about the things I AM doing. And I see the potential for big outcomes, even in those little acts. And I wonder if maybe that should be enough? If maybe I'm allowing myself to believe lies that it's not enough to take away from the power of what I am currently doing? Scott and I lead a small group for church. I lead a group for working moms (not through church, just on my own). Scott and I both serve at our church. We tithe and occasionally give extra to certain causes or people. We are raising a son, which is a ministry in and of itself. Imagine the potential in each of these small acts! It may not be a huge sacrifice to lead a group, but if it means someone growing in their relationship with God then isn't that a huge thing? So, what if longing for something bigger is really just taking my focus and appreciation off of the things I'm already doing? I don't want to miss the ministry and evangelism opportunities that are right in front of me now.

I'm not looking for answers from anyone. I don't think anyone but God can really give me answers anyway. Both are good. No one would deny that doing something huge like moving abroad or majoring altering our lifestyle to serve others is a great, Godly thing. And no one would deny that there is power and importance in the ways I currently serve God. Everyone would agree that I should not condemn myself. So, the answer just lies in where God leads me. And that's a journey I have to discover on my own. But you can be praying for me. And I would appreciate that! :)

I will say this. There are two possible opportunities that have come up lately. Both would be pretty big. One is the possibility of a mission trip next summer. I have no idea if it will work out or not, but we're pretty excited about the idea. And maybe God can reveal more of His desires for me while I'm on the trip. The other thing is more of an ongoing sacrifice and lifestyle change. I don't want to talk about it until it's certain, and it's honestly not very likely to happen. But it has the potential to be huge in an unexpected way.

Sorry for being so weird and cryptic in this post. But these things have been on my heart lately, and I would love the prayer from you all!

Have you experienced any of these feelings before? What kind of "crazy" things have you felt called to and acted on? I'm so encouraged by stories and testimonies of God using people in unexpected ways. I would love to hear if you have any to share! :)

Have a great weekend, everyone!
Christy