My Love Story With Jesus: Part 3

{Part 1} {Part 2}

I realize this is taking me about 5 months to write! I apologize for my inconsistency. School has been crazy this semester, and this isn't exactly something you quickly write about before class. The good news is I've finished the story! This is the not the last part, but I've got the last one written and scheduled for tomorrow. So you'll have the rest of it, rapid fire! :)

You'll remember from the last part that I had just thrown myself into my new relationship with Scott. As Scott & I got more and more serious, I quickly realized that he could be the man I marry. And that forced me to think beyond the present. I had to think about what I wanted my life to look like years from now, with a husband and kids. I could not ignore the nagging concern that we would never be able to happily attend the same church. How would we raise our children? Would we be like my family and just not go? Would we adopt Scott’s Catholic upbringing and have them go through the traditions and customs of that denomination? Would I find a Protestant church and have them alternate weekends? None of those options brought peace. At this point I’m not sure I was motivated by a desire to know God, but rather a desire for the picture of a happy family, sharing beliefs and traditions.

I shared this with Scott. He wanted to make me happy, but he was very resistant to stepping out of his comfort zone of the traditions of the Catholic mass. To be fair, we decided we would alternate weekends. I would go to the Catholic Church twice a month, and on the other weekends, we would try out Protestant churches together. It was hard to stay motivated because of the inconsistency of services. Especially with me not having a church of my own, there were a lot of trial and error situations with “church-shopping.”

I remember one service at our friends Christine & Brice’s church (you may remember them as my old roommates from the previous parts of this story). During worship, people were raising their hands, shouting thanks to God, and one girl even cheered DURING a song. Scott fidgeted, looked uncomfortable, and whispered to me, “She would be excommunicated at my church!” We went to church every weekend, appeasing each other, but never truly feeling comfortable. I didn’t like the standing and kneeling, the formal atmosphere, and the restricted communion of the Catholic Church. Scott didn’t like the loud music, hand-raising and amen-ing, casual atmosphere of the more contemporary churches we tried.

Finally, and I honestly don’t remember exactly how it happened, we settled on a church! It was First United Methodist. We attended the college services, even though we both had graduated. It was still formal enough for Scott and contemporary enough for me. Eventually Scott came to enjoy and actually prefer the contemporary atmosphere. So, that’s how we found a church together.

In the midst of this, we were both slowly growing closer to God. We were also growing closer to each other. We got engaged in October of 2008, just a couple months after finding our church. Funnily enough, I have to say God used the show 7^th Heaven to guide us to abstinence. Scott & I had been watching reruns (yes, we’re that cool) and Simon was deciding if he wanted to have premarital sex. Of course, being a pastor’s dad, this was something he was expected NOT to do. But…he ends up doing it. Scott & I talked about how disappointed we were in Simon (yes, a little post-show reflection…haha!). I don’t remember the specifics of the conversation, but we ended up both disclosing that we felt guilty about having sex. I was SO relieved to have a partner who shared that feeling! It was incredible, like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. Our wedding was still about 8 months away. I said something like, “Well, I’m sure you don’t want to stop now. Our wedding is too far away.” And he surprised me by saying he thought it was a good idea. Granted, it was probably easier for us knowing that the end was in sight. I’m not sure how we would have done if we weren’t even engaged yet. But I think God would have given us the strength to make that decision either way.

Now we were really growing closer to God. But still, as you can tell by my preoccupation with sex and drinking and all the rules, our focus was still skewed. I was trying with all my might to be a good person, someone worthy of God’s love and grace. I wanted to be perfect. For the first time in my life, I thought I was getting there. I didn’t have that pesky sexual immorality slowing me down. But there was not much joy in it. I felt like I was running a race I was not equipped to run. I was getting tired, frustrated, and angry with myself for not being able to meet perfection. I always thought if I could stop having sex I would be in the clear. But something was still missing. I was so confused because I was doing all the stuff. You know…church, praying, occasional Bible study… I wasn’t committing those really bad sins anymore. Why didn’t I feel fulfilled? It was so hard.

**The remaining post is scheduled and ready to go! You won't have to wait long, I promise!**

~Christy~