I'm terrible at managing my time on Sunday mornings when Scott leaves early to play in the worship band and I'm left to get myself and Grayson ready on my own. Side note: single moms---you rock! But anyway, I basically lay around in bed, snuggling with Grayson until he convinces me to get up. Then I pour some coffee and put on a movie. Yes, a movie. I make some breakfast for me and Grayson and leisurely eat and watch the movie with him. Eventually I realize I have about 40 minutes before church starts and I rush to get Grayson ready and then get as much of myself ready as I can. Yesterday this meant throwing my wet hair into a pony tail and going to church with no makeup. Plus I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt because all Connect Group leaders had to wear their "I'm in the BEST Connect Group Ever" shirts. In other words, I looked like I was dressed for a lazy Saturday afternoon and not Sunday morning church!
As I sat in the church parking lot, already late, trying to decide if I should put on makeup or just go in, I had a realization. Church is not about putting on your fancy clothes and making an appearance. Church is not just a social gathering. Church is where fellow believers gather together to encounter Jesus. And Jesus doesn't care if I'm wearing makeup. He just cares that I show up and worship Him. And if I really can't go to church without makeup, I have a pretty big problem!
I felt weird walking into church like that. I felt a little naked and exposed. I wondered how many people thought I looked tired or sick because of the dark circles that camp out under my eyes. I felt an urge to apologize and explain away my appearance to everyone I saw. But I didn't.
It seems silly, but going to church without makeup tore down walls that I didn't know I had. I was suddenly more vulnerable, and, in turn, more humble before God. It was a funny feeling. Exposing the flaws on my face somehow made me more honest about the flaws of my heart. As I worshiped, I felt like God was taking my messy life and messy heart and wrapping it up with His Spirit and calling it beautiful.
Here's a confession -- lately I've been in a bit of a slump, and I've blamed my church for most of it. Never out loud, but in my head, I've pointed my fingers at the growing masses of people attending our church and called them a bunch of fakes. They don't seem excited during worship. They don't lift their hands or sing loudly or jump and dance. They don't clap or say "amen!" They have perfect clothes and makeup and hair, and I think...is this really what it looks like when broken people come to worship Jesus?? And I fell into a funk. I stopped dancing or clapping or jumping. I would have dressed nicer and worn more makeup if I was better at time management! And I felt bitter toward those around me for not getting me amped up about Jesus.
But who's to say they weren't doing the same thing to me? What if the person next to me wasn't jumping because I wasn't jumping? And what if the people in the row in front of me didn't raise their hands because they worried I would think it was weird? And more importantly, since when is it the job of other Christians to get me excited enough to worship the living God?? Shouldn't the very nature of God and the Holy Spirit be enough to get me excited? To pull me out of a funk?
So, I have some options. I can be a part of the problem or a part of the solution. Or I could just leave and place the burden of the condition of my heart on another church.
As I stood there feeling slightly naked without any makeup, I realized I had less dignity to lose. And who cares what people think if they see me jumping and dancing and lifting my arms? So, I did it. As soon as I started, I could feel the Spirit filling up inside me. My heart raced, my body was buzzing, and I felt such inexplicable joy and gratitude! The whole church service was better than it had been in months. I wrote pages of notes. I walked away with the message resonating in my head, and I actually felt called to serve in different ways in the church.
Do I believe it just happened to be a better service than usual? No. I believe the real problem has not been in the church but has been in my own heart. Sure, I wish more people would worship the way that I like, but it's not their responsibility to make me feel comfortable. That's between me and God. And I just need to wash off my makeup and stand before God and not be afraid to be honest and real.
It may seem ridiculous that something as simple as not wearing makeup would make such a difference, but it really did! It put me in a position where I was better able to lay it all out there. Now, I'm not saying I'll never wear makeup or nice clothes to church again! But I hope I remember the importance of being vulnerable. God knows our hearts anyway, so why try to hide it?
~Christy~
Love this, Christy.
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