Check your false security at the cross

 It's very easy to say my hope and security is in Jesus. I can say that all day long, especially on a really good day. And while it's 100% true that my hope and security is in Jesus, it's also true that I don't believe that. I want to. My head tells me to believe it. I tell myself that I believe it, and I believe myself when I say it. Confusing, yes? But deep down in my core, in my heart, I believe that my hope and security is found in a slew of other fleeting, meaningless things. My job, my bank account, my relationships, my body, my intelligence, my home. The list goes on and on. It makes sense. All of these things are nice and comforting, but they can dissolve in an instant. Then what?

Nothing terrible has happened to us lately. Even so, we've struggled with a sense of despair and anxiety over a number of factors. I had a health scare about a month ago. We thought I had a seizure. I went to the ER, was referred to a neurologist, and underwent 4 different (and expensive) tests. Thankfully, I was deemed healthy and the neurologist diagnosed the episode as something called vasovagal syncope. It's nothing serious. It's basically passing out. He believes my episode was brought on by dehydration (I also had a stomach bug).

While the clean bill of health is wonderful news, we found ourselves steeped in resentment, stress, and fear over the medical bills. I was literally angry that nothing was wrong because I did so many tests for no reason. I was angry that I wasn't seriously ill. That's how much I value money and put my security in my bank account.

Since weaning Grayson, I have gained 10 pounds and went down two whole cup sizes in my bra. This means my mid-section grew and my boobs shrank. What a lovely combination. As someone who struggled with weight for several years, I admit I was a little in love with my postpartum, nursing body. Breastfeeding burned calories and kept my boobs nice and full. Just being real here! Suddenly things have shifted a bit and I realized I'm often disgusted with my body. But the fact is, I'm still small! I went to pick up a t-shirt today for a campus event and the lady said, "Are you a small?" And you would not believe the confidence boost it gave me that she could tell I wore a small. Ridiculous. Why on earth should my self-worth be destroyed by 10 pounds and a smaller bra? Because I put my hope and security in my physical appearance.

Grayson's daycare has significantly increased the price of tuition. I cried when I learned how much it was going to cost us to continuing sending Grayson to school there. Not only that, but the amount we'll be spending when/if we have a second baby and they both go, is quite a lot! Once again I was hit with just how much I place security in money. And not only money, but in education. I couldn't fathom for one minute sending Grayson to another school. Nor could I fathom losing that much money in keeping him there. For several days I battled with my priorities. It wasn't until we readjusted our budget and figured out how we could make it work that I realized just how much I was placing my security in things other than God.

Thankfully, I have not lost anyone very close to me in a long time. I have a loving and devoted husband and an insanely smart, funny, and handsome (my totally unbiased opinion) little boy. I have both my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, and more friends than I've probably ever had in my life. It just so happens that tragedy has not hit too close to me yet. But it will happen. In the past year I have seen people mourn the loss of children, parents, and other loved ones. I've seen friends go through miscarriages or battle infertility. I've heard of children being born with severe impairments or being diagnosed with cancer. I have no way of knowing what the future will bring, but I know none of us will live forever and I know this world is a fallen place with fallen people. Evil isn't going away until Jesus comes back to banish it for good. And what will happen when something happens to someone I love? I can guarantee that I place security in the people in my life. Not only is that foolish because people are imperfect and can let you down, but people aren't forever. I'm not saying you shouldn't love others and develop strong relationships for fear of them ending. Certainly not! But let's check ourselves and be real. We make gods of other people; we put our hope in the relationships we have; we just might completely crumble if a piece of our puzzle is taken away.

Grief and mourning is natural, and Biblical. Of course you will be upset when there are losses in your life...even if it's the loss of a nice figure! But where is our ultimate security found? Can we recover? Can we still believe in the goodness of God, even without all the things that bring us comfort in this world? How does that feel and how does it look? What does it really mean to place your hope in Jesus?

For me it's a constant, daily dying to myself. It's being thankful for what I have, but acknowledging that the blessings are not the GOOD part. The blessings are just a little perk. We do not have rights to our blessings. For me it's thanking God for who He is, for his love and grace, for Jesus, and for his Holy Spirit living inside me. And quite honestly, for me it's coming face to face with a loss or an unfulfilled expectation, and admitting that I was placing too much security in that thing. And then subsequently turning to the cross for my forgiveness and yet another chance to get it right. It's lifting my hands in praise or hitting my knees in surrender to His calling. It's being moved in some way by His very presence and His promises--sometimes that looks like tears, singing, jumping/dancing, heart-racing adrenaline rush, or inexplicable peace.

How about you? Where is your false security? Join me in checking it at the foot of the cross.

Be blessed!
Christy