My malnourished soul

As I've mentioned before, lately I've been struggling to keep a passionate, devoted relationship with God. I had let doubt get to my heart and poison me. On top of my doubts, I had little desire to spend time with God. Anything "Christian" that I did, like read the Bible and pray, were done out of a feeling of obligation or guilt, not one of love, joy, and true praise. My brain knew the answers. The problem was not a lack of knowledge. I knew that I needed to spend more time with God in order to feel close to Him. I knew that The Bible tells us that God will protect us and deliver us from evil. I also knew that Jesus told us we will face great struggles during our life on Earth. None of this knowledge gave me passion. None of this knowledge grew love and joy in my heart.

Last Saturday, Scott had to work all day b/c of the textbook rush at the beginning of the semester (he works at The University Store). I decided I was going to sit down and spend time with God. I was determined to push through my indifference! Well, I guess it wasn't really indifference. I wasn't feeling passionate...but I wanted to. I got my Bible, journal, and some worship songs ready to go. I opened up in prayer, speaking to God for several minutes about my concerns and what I was feeling. After this, I decided to get a glass of water before diving into The Word. On my way to the kitchen, I caught a glance at my grandpa's book Hope and Comfort for Every Season, which is displayed on a wall shelf in the dining room. I thought, this is really what I need...hope and comfort during this season of my life. It's a small, giftbook with beautiful photos throughout. I sat down and read the whole thing in about 20 minutes. God used this book to re-teach me some things that I already knew but wasn't believing in my heart.

I was reminded that God is with me through all my hardships. I was reminded that we are not promised a perfect life, but promised protection and eventual deliverance through all the junk in life.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Corinthians 4:8-12

Of course I already knew this. I had no problems preaching this message to other people who were experiencing hard times. I could explain the evil in the world and God's good will and purpose for us to all the doubtful people. But as soon as it got personal, as soon as it was happening to me, I no longer trusted the message. I felt the despair and doubt that all those other people were feeling, and my knowledge just wasn't sinking into my heart. Suddenly I felt entitled to a carefree life. Suddenly I felt that the promise that God answers prayers should mean that He should immediately grant my wishes and in the exact way that I felt was best. I was pretty sure I knew what was best for everyone involved, so I asked God to do it just that way and to do it soon! When the results weren't immediate (or even within a few months), I became discouraged. I no longer felt able to "defend God" to my family who were also experiencing doubts. I was angry and felt abandoned. I said things like, "We don't deserve this" or "I see no good coming from this. What is God thinking?"

What was I thinking? First, I needed a good dose of humility. God used my grandpa's words to remind me that I am NOT immune to the struggles of the world. When Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33), he meant it! I WILL have trouble...no way around it. It doesn't mean God isn't good. He is good...that's why he sent Jesus to overcome the world. The end is determined, and I am saved! And because of Jesus, I can obtain the peace of God in the times of trouble that I have to face. Also, I needed to remember that I do not know better than God! He is wiser and can see things in a greater scope than I can. Didn't I just blog about good coming from bad and remembering that even though you may not see it, it is there? That was only a month or two ago. And here I was, doing just the opposite. Just because I don't see the good, doesn't mean it isn't there or that it isn't coming. I needed to remember to trust God and know that He is greater than me. And that's a good thing! I certainly would hope that the God I serve is wiser and greater than little ol' me!

So, first on God's agenda for me that day was a reality check! Bam! Take that!! Convicted by the Holy Spirit! I praise God for that conviction because I had grown blind to it and let doubt (which is straight from the enemy and my fallen flesh) run amuck in my heart.

Next I hit the Good Book (AKA The Bible) for some more revelation. Now I understood why God wasn't answering my prayers (or at least in the way I was expecting), but I still wanted to know why my heart had grown so far from The Lord. God showed me two important things about taking care of my soul.

First, I realized that my soul is malnourished. As you know, part of my goals for this year have been to live a healthier life...eat better foods, exercise, be aware of my body's needs, etc... God used this goal to reveal a similar need for my spirit. Just like my body, my spirit needs good food, exercise, and protection. What had I been feeding my soul? Not enough healthy stuff. Not enough of God's word, not enough fellowship with believers, not enough encouragment. Instead I had fed it doubt, frustration, and other worldly things. If you give your body nothing but junk food, it can't function properly and can even lead to illness and disease. My soul had become sick, infected with doubt and anger, and weak and unable to protect itself from the lies of the enemy. If I want my soul to be healthy, I need to give it the good stuff and cut out the bad. I need more time with God, and I need to seek Him everyday. I need to go to church regularly (being away for a month really took a toll). I need to give freely and happily. I need to fellowship with other believers. And not simply because "that's what Christians do." And it's not about winning God's love or salvation. But I need to do these things because they keep my heart for God healthy. I'm happier and more joyful when my soul is saturated with Godly things. I feel closer to God and more able to worship and serve Him. And it protects me from harmful lies and worldly desires. It's like an immune system. Since I'm not immune to struggles, I at least need to keep my system ready to fight off the bad feelings that can go with the struggles!

Secondly, God revealed the need to protect my soul with The Armor of God. This is found in Ephesians 6:10-18:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

I was not properly geared up to defend my soul against the enemy and his lies. If you ride a motorcycle, like my husband does, you need to wear the proper gear. We always hope and pray that he doesn't fall, drop the bike, or get in an accident. But if that were to happen, or if conditions are bad outside (wind, rain, ice, darkness...), his gear (helmet, boots, jeans, gloves, jacket) protects his body from any harm. The armor of God is the same way. It helps you get through the bad conditions, and if something more dangerous does happen, your soul is protected against the attacks of the enemy. And I was lacking in these things. I wasn't believing in my belt of truth. My righteousness was fading and not protecting my heart as a breastplate should. My feet weren't fitted with the gospel to share with others. And my faith had dwindled to the point that I wasn't shielded from the arrows of the evil one. Fortunately, my helmet of salvation stays intact because God's grace keeps it in place. So, I was not mortally wounded like Scott could be if he rides without his helmet. This is the most important piece of armor, and thankfully it was still strong. I survived the struggles, but I was severely wounded.

So, now I'm praying and spending more time with God each day. I'm recommitting myself to Him and feeding my soul all the good things that helps it thrive. I'm gearing up with repaired armor that God will make good as new. It's still a work in progress, as it always will be, but now I am no longer angry with God and I feel at peace.

I hope this has encouraged those of you who might be going through some similar things. I know I'm not the only one feeling spiritually exhausted and in a rut. The best way to get your knowledge transformed to truly believing is action! You may know what The Bible says about things, but read it again...and again...until God really places the truth on your heart. If you know you need to go to church or pray, but you don't feel like it. Do it anyway. God will meet you there and revive that desire. Feed your soul the good stuff, exercise it with worship, giving, studying, and fellowship, and protect it with the full armor of God! You'll be in my prayers.

~Christy