Last year I finished Christmas break weighing about 162 pounds. I resolved to lose 10 pounds in 2 months. And...I did it! Well, actually I was about 1.5 pounds off, but I lost that the following week. But for the rest of the year I sort of fluctuated 3-5 pounds here and there. Finally, I got down to 150 and seemed to rest there for a couple months. Then Christmas hit again! I decided I wasn't going to worry about my weight because I didn't want to miss out on the traditional Christmas foods. So, I shamelessly ate casseroles and stuffing and drank lots of wine! This week was my first week back at home as well as my first week working out in about 2-3 months! Yikes! And I resumed my weekly Friday morning weigh-in. I was horrified to find I had gained close to 5 pounds in just 2 weeks! And I had gained a couple pounds just before the break as well. Now I weigh 156 and the little line on my Wii Fit is hanging out just below the "overweight" line. Grrr!
I realized that much of this boils down to a lack of self-control. I'm perfectly fine with not eating out a lot and not keeping unhealthy food in my house. But as soon as someone offers me something delicious but deadly, I just can't seem to help myself! When I go to parties and social gatherings, I gorge myself on food. I'm that girl who stands by the food table and just talks to whoever happens to come by there. And if I have a good "excuse" like the holidays, it's all over.
This morning, after my weigh-in and during my prayer time, I started talking to God about my lack of self-control. I shared my frustration and helplessness. And then I realized, self-control is a Fruit of the Spirit. (Galatians 5:22-23) Meaning that since I am a Christian, and Christ lives in me, this fruit is grown in me by God. And it is freely given. Which means that I DO have self-control. I'm just choosing not to use it. I'm acting out of a selfish desire for instant gratification and pleasure. I'm putting my desire for something tasty right now ahead of my desire to live a long and healthy life, to look good and feel good about myself, and to glorify God by caring for the body He has given me.
As I was praying through this, I actually said to God, "I just hope no one brings donuts to work anytime soon!"
And guess what I found at work today? .......
One of my co-workers brought them in for everyone and was so excited to share them with us. She actually said, "I was driving to work today and felt compelled by The Spirit to stop for donuts for everyone." (She's a very spiritual person.) Wow. Thanks for that curve ball, God! {No, I can't say for sure this was a test from God, but either way I believe He used this instance to speak to me about my self-control issues.}
Many people tried to convince me to eat one. My coworker even went so far as to put one on a plate and hand it to me! And you have to know, donuts are a particular weakness of mine (along with cake, cookies, ice cream, brownies, banana pudding, french silk pie...you get the idea!). They smelled SO good! I could almost taste the sugar wafting through the air. And I could tell they were still warm and fresh.
I reluctantly put the doughnut back in it's box and walked away. I came back later and literally stood over the donuts, contemplating whether I should have one or not. A couple people came in with various reasons why it was okay "it's the weekend!" "you can just work it off later!" "You deserve it!" Painfully, I still walked away. And I'm happy to report that I did NOT have a doughnut today! :)
As crazy as this sounds, I really did have to lean on God for this one. I know, this is making me sound like a lunatic fat woman. I'm not obese in any way...but I know I can be healthier and thinner than I am now. All my immediate family members are bone thin. Growing up I was always thin. And Wii Fit tells me my ideal weight is 140. So I should at least be able to do THAT. But it's hard. Sometimes I feel like it's harder for me than others who I know have lost weight or are naturally thin. I crave more, I love food more. Maybe not, but that's how I feel.
And it scares me sometimes that I can't seem to control it. I worry about when I get pregnant. I worry that I will feel it gives me license to eat and I will become obese and never lose the weight. And today God showed me that if I just use the self-control that He is working to grow in me, I can lose weight and make smart choices.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not swearing off sweets entirely. And I will certainly have donuts again in my life. But it's good to know that if I just turn to God to control my urges, I can say no. Even to donuts!
Happy Friday, everyone! Enjoy your weekend and eat some sweets for me!!! ;)
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