Yesterday, Brandon Williams preached an awesome message at Connection Church. (The message isn't up yet at this moment, but when it does post, you should find here -- click on "Week 4" for this week's message.)
He talked about how we see ourselves and portray ourselves, and he talked about God giving us an armor to protect ourselves from Satan (Ephesians 6:10-20). He emphasized that Satan is always attacking us, especially when we are doing God's work (the one thing he would hate for us to do the most!). He encouraged us to remember that we belong to God and that God sees us as righteous and holy, thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, so we should not fall victim to the lies of the devil.
Brandon had us write down a word or phrase on a piece of paper that represents something we are holding on to that distorts our true image. Maybe it's a mistake we made in the past, maybe it's a sin that we still struggle with, or maybe it's just a lie from the enemy. Well, as difficult as it is, I want to share with you what I wrote down. And also what I wrote on a separate sheet of paper--words that represent how God sees me and who I really am.
I wrote "sexual sin."
If you've been reading for a while, you probably know some of my story. You know that I struggled with sexual sin for a long time. I lost my virginity at 17 and continued to have sex, even though I knew it was wrong and felt terribly guilty-to the point that I felt sure I would go to Hell. I did this up until Scott and I dedicated ourselves to God and decided to wait until we were married.
Another sexual sin that I've never talked about on this blog is pornography. I used to look at pornography online -- mostly through erotic stories but also some videos as well. I gave that up close to 5 years ago, but you can never un-see or un-read something. Those images are still in my mind. While I may not actively think of them much, they are still there. They pop up involuntarily sometimes. It's impossible to undo it, and it's very hard to forget it.
In today's world, this probably doesn't seem like a big deal. Everybody's doing it, right? Doesn't that make it okay? No, no, NO! It IS a big deal because it's a big deal to God. And these mistakes haunt me still. Satan uses my mistakes and the immense guilt and shame I feel to feed me lies and paint my self-image into something that I'm not.
Sexual sin and the remaining scars make me feel dirty, unworthy, impure, and unfaithful. It destroys the true beauty and design of sex. It impedes my ability to enjoy sex in the way it was intended. It trains me to equate sex with sin. Which is the furthest thing from the truth.
This is not something that I constantly struggle with. But it's always there--in the back of my mind. And these negative feelings sneak back in every so often. Usually when my guard is already down, whether it be because I haven't been spending enough time with God or because other things in life have already made sex challenging (hello, 6 month old baby!).
The Devil uses these opportunities, these seeds of self-doubt, to grab hold of me and force-feed me lies about myself. And it doesn't take much in those moments of vulnerability, before I start to see myself and my situation in ways contrary to how God sees me. I'm often not even aware of the thoughts, it's just a feeling. A feeling that something isn't right. A feeling that I'm not good enough. A feeling that I'm undeserving. A feeling that any feeling might be impure or wrong, so it's best to not feel anything at all. Which becomes a whole new issue.
Man, the devil is a tricky, sneaky thing! He sees my marriage with my husband. He sees how wonderful it is. How happy we are. How we strive to serve God together. How we draw closer to one another as we draw closer to God. And he wants nothing more than to tear that apart. And he starts by simply trying to make me believe lies about myself.
But here's the thing. The awesome thing.
That IS NOT who I am!!! I am NOT dirty. I am NOT unworthy. I am NOT impure. I am NOT unfaithful. Because Jesus lives in me. He died to cover those sins. His blood washes away the stains of my past life and my past mistakes. And his Holy Spirit within me has given me a heart of love and worship. And because of this, God sees me as CLEAN, WORTHY, PURE, and FAITHFUL. I may not walk in this identity every moment of the day, but due to God's grace and mercy, he still sees me as such. As long as I love and follow Jesus as my Lord, I AM NOT WHO THE DEVIL TELLS ME I AM!
So, I wrote those new identities on a separate sheet of paper, to remind myself of who I am in Jesus. This is how God sees me. It is how I should see myself. And I should walk in that each and every day, portraying those things to the world, to my husband, to myself. Shame and negative self-talk is the easiest way to give the enemy a foot-hold to continue serving you lies about yourself. You'll start believing them before you realize what is happening.
Don't let that happen. Remember who you belong to and who you are because of it. You are God's child. He loves you. He saved you from the devil and from yourself. So, let's start living that out! I pray that I will.
What lies do you believe? What truths should you remember instead?
~Christy~
Oh, Christy, thank you for sharing! This is SO powerful. God is using this - your story - to help encourage me today because so much of my anxiety and fear is also rooted in lies. I used to believe that because I thought something it meant that's who I was. That it came from me. But I know now that Satan is just watching, looking for a weak moment to plant a seed of doubt or fear. And, like you, I found myself believing awful things about myself before I realized they were lies. But we are God's creation! He handcrafted us. That makes us worthy! And Jesus made us whole! I pray that you'll continue to walk in that truth. You are amazing!
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