For Dads of Newborns...

Ah, the newborn days! When all the baby needs is mommy, all mommy needs is a nap, and daddy is like...what am I doing in life??

I think all new dads struggle with this to a degree. Moms are exhausted, hormonal, and physically recovering from delivery (this goes double (or more!) for moms recovering from a c-section). Newborn babies desire constant contact with their moms because that's all they've known for the last 9 months, and if mom is breastfeeding, the endless cluster feedings result in baby needing mom all the time. Dads want to help. They want to make life easier for mom. They want to help take care of the baby. They want to share a bond with the baby and feel like dads. But how? Where is their place in this scenario?

This can leave a lot of dads frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, and insecure about their role in the family. Especially if dad has to go back to work right away, there is little time for bonding and he can't understand the day-to-day struggles of life with a newborn. Mom might not have the energy or patience to soothe the hurt emotions of dad, and she may actually have no idea how he can help anyway. It's true -- the baby wants and needs her. So, how can dads find their place in their brand new family? How can they help take care of mom, take care of the baby, and feel valued and useful? There are a lot of potential ways this could play out, but I'm going to share some of the things that Scott did that worked really well for our family. Feel free to borrow some of these ideas! :)

+ He made sure I ate! Never in my life would I guess I would be the type to forget to eat! I love food! But during the early days of parenthood, I had no idea how to balance it all! Plus, I was stressed and slightly bluesy which killed my appetite. There was more than once that Scott came home from work and I was frazzled and weak and I realized, I barely ate all day! Scott decided to help me out by making sure I had food prepared for me to eat throughout the day. Every day he would prepare a smoothie for my breakfast and have it in the fridge for when I woke up, and he would make me a sandwich for lunch. That way I didn't have to worry about cooking or anything. I just went to the kitchen and grabbed my food whenever I got hungry! Bonus points for food that I could eat one handed! 

+ He woke up for every middle-of-the-night scenario. Particularly in the beginning when we had to change Grayson's diaper every couple hours to redo the gauze on his circumcision, Scott was amazingly helpful! We worked out a pretty good system. Grayson would wake up, I would immediately pick him up and nurse him from one side. Inevitably, he would poop during that feeding (this is why we altered it from Scott doing the diaper change before I fed him. That was the original arrangement and it always resulted in needing two diaper changes!). Scott would take him, change his diaper and redress his wounds, and then bring him back to me. I would nurse him from the other side and he would fall back asleep. Sometimes I would let him sleep since I knew he had to get up early for work, but most times he was eager to pop out of bed and take care of Grayson as much as he could.

+ On weekends, he would take Grayson to the living room and let me sleep in. I would still wake up and feed Grayson, but after that I could go back to sleep for a while. Sometimes it was fruitless because I couldn't sleep while I could hear Grayson crying in the other room. But after a few weeks, they got into a routine with their "Everest Saturdays" (watching the show Everest while I slept in).

+ He texted or called me throughout the day to check in. He would also request pictures of Grayson throughout the day. This helped him feel more connected to us and what we were doing each day, and it helped me feel less alone in it all. 

+ When he got home from work each day, he was very present. He spent a lot of time talking to me about my day, and he talked very little about his. (I think he knew I was a little jealous of his regular work routines!) He held Grayson as much as he could. I think he still struggled with the feeling that Grayson didn't like him sometimes. Grayson had a fussy period that usually started right when Scott got home from work. But aside from a few sad comments or defeated exhalations, Scott remained positive and encouraging and did what he could.

+ When we were together, he would bring me whatever I needed. Whether that be my phone, iPad, a book, the TV remote, a blanket, a paci, a burp cloth, the baby...! It took me a while to get the hang of getting up and down with a baby and figuring out how to maneuver around things, carry things, etc...all while holding an infant who had zero control of his own body! Scott made that easier! 

+ He participated in every routine he could. He helped bathe Grayson, he did every single diaper change while he was home (since I did them all day while he was at work), he did endless loads of baby laundry, and he had a role in bedtime. He played his guitar softly while I rocked and nursed Grayson (around 8 months we had to retire that routine b/c Grayson loves the guitar so much that it was just exciting and distracting him!)

+ When I told him how I was struggling with losing our normal routines, particularly our time together watching TV and eating ice cream (which, by the way, fully resumed by 4 months!), he came up with a solution. He pulled up our shows on the iPad and we snuggled together in bed with Grayson and ate ice cream and watched TV before bed. It somehow made everything less stressful. 

There are countless other things that Scott did that I am probably forgetting or that just seemed so natural to me that I didn't recognize how special they were. I am beyond blessed to have Scott as my husband and Grayson's dad. His patience and love for us amazes me. Not only did these little things bring me comfort and peace, but I know they helped Scott feel more useful in a time when dads can easily be thrown to the wayside. 

Also, moms--I know this is tough, especially in the beginning, but don't forget to show dad a little love too! I distinctly remember thinking at one point that I spent all my energy taking care of a little person that I could not possibly meet the needs of anyone else. The very thought exhausted and angered me at times. But it only takes a few kind words, a loving touch, or an appreciative smile to help your partner feel loved and validated. Don't forget to do it! He's probably doing the best he can, just like you. 

What about y'all? Any tips or personal examples of how dad can help out?