Isn't it so easy for moms to feel not good enough? With all the forums, FB groups, mommy bloggers (myself included!), Pinterest, and just social interaction with friends and family, it's easy to start comparing yourself to others. I typically don't let this bother me too much. I know I'm not perfect, but I also know no one else is perfect either. I feel confident that I do my best to be a great mom, and I usually feel like I do a pretty darn good job! But every now and then, something tests my patience, or something doesn't go quite how I planned and I start to doubt myself. And then it's all too easy to spiral into a series of questions, doubts, fears, etc...
I started the weekend out feeling tired. I had to work early Saturday morning at GSU's graduation ceremony, and despite Grayson sleeping really well this past week, I found myself dragging and missing those precious extra hours I'm used to getting on Saturday morning. That evening, Grayson's schedule got thrown off because we drove to a town about 30 minutes away to purchase a keyboard that someone was selling on Craig's List. We met the lady at 5 PM, so from about 4:30 until 5:30, Grayson napped in the car. He usually starts his bedtime routine around 6:30 and is asleep by 7. But of course he wasn't tired at all by that time since he had such a long nap so late in the day. We didn't make a big deal out of it and let him stay up and play for a while longer. By close to 8, he was getting irritable and clearly sleepy. He would rub his eyes and fuss. It was time to put him to bed. But since his schedule was so off, he was a terror trying to put to sleep! I tried rocking him, swaying with him, bouncing him...nothing worked! He squirmed and arched his back and cried. He pulled my hair and pinched me. Meanwhile, I was completely exhausted. Between the exhaustion, frustration, and the literal pain I was experiencing from his antics, I lost my patience pretty quickly. Usually, even on nights like this, I can stay perfectly calm and soothing and wait it out until he falls asleep. But I couldn't do it. I laid him in his bed and walked out. I told Scott I needed a break. We waited to see if he would put himself to sleep (not this time!), and when he started crying again, Scott took his turn. And within minutes, he was able to get Grayson to sleep. At his point it was 8:30 and I could barely keep my eyes open. I couldn't even stay awake long enough to watch a 30-minute show, and I passed out on the couch.
The one good outcome from Grayson getting to bed late was that he slept through the night for the first time! Despite my uninterrupted sleep (sort of. I was still up throughout the night checking the monitor...), Sunday morning I was up early again to get ready for church and still felt very tired. Scott and I were both serving at the 9 AM service. Scott made me breakfast and we had a good time. I was in a good mood all through church, and was especially looking forward to snuggling up with Grayson for an after-church nap like we often do on Sundays. But, for once, he actually napped at church. So, he wasn't sleepy after church. We had lunch with some friends, and then went grocery shopping. Of course, Grayson took his second nap while we were at the store! I was so disappointed that the one Mother's Day treat I had wanted, a nice long nap with my baby, was not going to happen. I know it sounds silly, but it's the little things sometimes!
Scott had planned for us all to go to the park and have a nice family outing, taking Grayson for a walk and hanging out. It was a lovely idea, and usually it's exactly the kind of thing I love doing on the weekends. But I couldn't. All I wanted to do was take a nap. So, Scott took Grayson for a run in the park and I stayed home and slept. It was great to get some sleep, but all I could think was that it was Mother's Day and I had just turned down an opportunity to spend time with my family. I felt extremely lethargic and I couldn't even enjoy the nap to its fullest because I was ridden with guilt!
Then later that afternoon/evening, we were having our Sunday afternoon family movie time and decided to multi-task and offer Grayson some food at the same time. We've been doing a combination of baby-led weaning (allowing him to feed himself finger foods) and spoon-feeding purees. Sometimes he does well, other times he really struggles. I'm sure there are a lot of factors, like which foods he prefers, timing, how full he already is, etc... But sometimes he pukes when he eats. He doesn't choke, but he gags either because a piece of food is in his mouth and he doesn't swallow it, or because he doesn't like the taste, or he's full and doesn't want anymore...I'm not always sure of the cause. Well, last night was going okay, but it got cut short because he pooped and had a blowout. We got him cleaned up and decided we were done with food for the night. I had a tiny glob of apple sauce on a plate that I was going to feed to him as well, but didn't have a chance. While he was sitting on the floor, I decided to just give him a tiny taste of it before putting it away. I didn't even get any in his mouth because he turned his head, so only a teeny, TINY bit got on his upper lip. He gagged and projective vomited ALL over himself and his surroundings! And I'm telling you, there was NO food in his mouth! He literally gagged because there was a tiny bit of food on his LIP!
But when your baby projectile vomits as a direct result of something you did, you feel kind of crappy about that. I just kept apologizing. Scott assured me that I didn't do anything wrong. Grayson was fine. He didn't even seem that upset by it until we started peeling his wet, sticky jammies off. Scott took him to take a bath because, after a blowout and puke, it's really the only option. I scrubbed the carpets and just started sobbing. I felt like such a failure.
I try to do everything right. As I'm sure you've noticed from the blog, I research like crazy. I know the pros and cons of just about every parenting decision. I'm active on support groups and online forums. I seek advise from other moms, medical professionals, and a wide variety of resources in making the majority of my decisions. I have very strong opinions, values, and parenting philosophies. I do what I feel is best for my child. But some days, despite all that, things just don't go well. And it's no one's fault. I'm not doing anything wrong. But it doesn't feel that way in the moment. It feels like I made bad decisions, or it feels like I'm not strong enough, loving enough, or patient enough.
But I guess the truth is, I'm not. I'm not strong enough, loving enough, or patient enough. And I don't know enough to make the right decision every single time. And I don't have enough control to dictate how things will turn out, even when I make the right decisions. God is the only one who can fulfill all those qualifications.
I ended my Mother's Day snuggled up in bed with Scott, drinking a cup of tea, talking it out and praying to God to remind me of his sovereignty.
It's not how I would have pictured or planned my first official Mother's Day, but at the end of the day, I was reminded of the reality of being a mom - it's a tough job and I can't do it alone. I humbled myself and allowed Scott to lead me back to Jesus for strength. And I think that's really the perfect way to end any day.
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| Grayson and Scott, snuggled up and reading the Bible...so blessed!! |
** Despite the struggles, the immense blessing of having moms and being a mom was not lost on me. I spent special time praying at church for all the mommies who have lost babies and all the babies (no matter how old they may be!) who have lost their mommies. I can only imagine the pain of either of those things, and I hope all those in that situation managed to find comfort and peace on the day just for mothers. **
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